Episode 325

A few tips to share for new moms during this Thanksgiving Holiday:

Since this is the beginning of the Holiday Season,  I thought I would add a few thoughts on getting through the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday or any other Holiday, for that matter, with a new baby. It is wonderful time of the year with Friends and relatives getting together to enjoy, fun, food, family and each others companies.  Fun in some ways and stressful for others. When you were pregnant, you may have been looking forward to celebrating the holidays for the first time with your new baby.  I was pretty naive as a I daydreamed of everyone going gaga over my baby and wanting to hold her and say how cute beautiful she was.  I pictured how lovely it would be when my grandmothers got to hold her granddaughter for the first time. I mean, what a gift for her – the pleasure of cradling her granddaughter and nuzzling her nose against my babies nose.  Just like she use to do with me.

I’m big on hugs and kisses and I just fantasized about everyone loving on my baby. Then she was born.  and like many other things about motherhood – I was left with:  Lori:  what were you thinking?  The thought of all this hugging and kissing and being passed around from relative to relative literally sent me in a panic.

If you had similar fantasies and could not wait for everyone to meet and hold and snuggle with your baby, chances are that now that this reality is here and you may be feeling differently.  The mama bear comes out and perhaps you are a bit freaked out at the thought of having different people hold your baby.  What if they are too rough, or might be sick, or are crying.  I use to go crazy when a certain relative use to take my baby an throw him up in the air.  My heart dropped to my stomach as I witnessed my baby flying in midair. Okay, maybe it was just a few inches, but still, as a new mother, it made me almost lose my mind.

Whether you are not thrilled about your baby being passed around or you are concerned with germs and illnesses, these tips that I will share with you today may come in handy.

1.  The first tip is to state the obvious.  If you are feeling particularly vulnerable and perhaps you are concerned that you know yourself and will have a hard time saying No, you might choose to purposefully opt out of an invitation or two.  You can just say that this is cold and flu season and you are concerned and just not comfortable yet. Rightfully so, you can just attribute it on being a new Mommy. Depending on your personality, it may be hard for you to  accept the fact that some might not agree or understand.    Since it was my personality to keep the peace and make everyone happy, this was hard.  Once I got it through my thick head that this was my child who I was responsible for and I alone would have to deal with the consequences of my actions, it became easier and easier and soon it was very easy to put my and my children’s needs above others. This is one of the rights of passage of new parenthood.  Finding your voice in order to protect your child and yourself. This is an easy beginning to finding that voice.  The mama bear in you will serve you well when it comes to future issues that may be confrontational like sleeping habits and food choices and potty training.  Oy vey… the list just goes on.   So, my first tip is:  Opt out if you need to.

2.  My second and probably most important tip – Take the time to talk to your partner about the holidays and expectations and how you are gong to work along with each other so both can be happy.  Often it is a compromise.  When there is conflict, I  find  parents don’t really talk about with each other ahead of time. Sometimes I find that they did talk to each other, and yet there were assumptions made, so it is helpful to be very clear.

****What are some of the subjects you need to talk to each other about?

A.  Nursing in public is a hot topic for  new parents.

1.
How do each of you feel about nursing their baby in public.  You may bring this up and find out quickly that it is a non-issue and your are both in 100% agreement on this subject.  Often there are assumptions made, with mom just assuming this is what will happen, because what else do mothers do when their babies are hungry… they feed them  Whenever they are hungry and wherever they may be.   And then… it happens… the time comes…. and your partner is looking at you, like what they hey???  And all of a sudden you feel small… and uncomfortable and now you feel very self conscious.  Later on  during the trip home you get into a major argument about it.   I would love for you to work ahead of time to avoid this because after all….What a crappy way to end the holiday.    Some people feel so comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding outside the home that they never ever consider that their partner might not be.  Of course, truth be told,  I love this attitude because it just speaks to the normalcy of breastfeeding.  Our babies are hungry, so we feed them.  At the same time, I need to remember that not everyone feels the same way and their thoughts and feelings should be respected.  By talking to your partner ahead of time, you will avoid any unnecessary stressful times, particular around the holidays and family and friends and fun.  Typically a happy time of the year for most and at the same time, often stressful for various reasons.

What can you do if your partner is not cool with you breastfeeding in front of other people and you are?  Well talking about it ahead of time gives you plenty of opportunity to come up with a game plan ahead of time.

You can say:  Well, we just won’t go.  But if your partner wants to go to dinner at his family house but doesn’t want you breastfeeding in front of them, he needs to work with you for what is going to happen when your baby is clearly hungry. If it happens during dinner, he has to be fine with you leaving the table and going to another room.  If it happens right before you are about to leave your home and your baby needs to eat,  he needs to be fine with you being late.  If you typically lay down to feed your baby for the nap time or early evening feeding, you need to come up with a plan to ask to use a bedroom to feed your baby.

If you are at a restaurant, what does your partner want you to do?  Leave the table and go where?  To the car?  And it is cold outside?  Perhaps you say – okay, but I would like for you to come with me.   In other words, talk about it ahead of time so you can work out the logistics with each other and ones that you can both compromise and be happy with.

What if you are both totally cool with you feeding outside the home, but you know that your parents or sister or his parents or brother have already voiced their negative opinion about it.  How are you both going to handle it. You need to let your partner know that you need for him to support you. Speak up in your defense if he or she needs to.   Don’t just let you be out there all by yourself.   I know this drives others crazy… but to also talk about the fact that midway through – you may change your mind and partners need to be okay with this.

A common scenario is to be sitting around the holiday table and hearing others making negative comments on how they feel about seeing moms nurse in public.  You might have felt pretty strong in your convictions up to this point, but now you are feeling vulnerable and not so confident about breastfeeding while sitting around the living room after dinner.  This is okay.. we are allowed to change our minds.  We are allowed to not feel strong all the time. We are allowed to waiver.  We are allowed to be unsure.  Partners need to understand this and remind each other – and that it works both ways.  We sometimes change our minds.

In a previous podcast, Episode  324  I talked about the subject of NIP as being something that moms worry about.  I offer some emotional mindset tips on how to work around this as well as some practical tips on nursing in public.  Feel free to check out Episode # 324 for more information on this subject.

3.  If you do go to someone else’s home, don’t be shy about asking your host  ahead of time, if there is a private room you can go to when you need to take care of baby privately.  Particularly if you are fairly newly pp, and perhaps like I was, not so confident or quick in some caretaking things, like diaper changing or crying a soothing baby.  It is nice to have a private space to do this without having others watching over you.  Do not hesitate to quietly go off to this room to feed or take care of the baby, or perhaps, give you and your baby a break from the hustle and bustle.  Knowing you have a quiet and private place ahead of time, will help to remove much of the anxiety that you might be feelings.

4.  Also, stating what might be obvious but sometimes when we are sleep deprived, we are not thinking clearly.  Prepare ahead of time, by talking to your partner. If you know yourself and don’t like confrontation or you are just the type that doesn’t like to bring attention to yourself or ask for anything specific, remind our partner of this.  If you are uncomfortable having to tell people some things, then let them know ahead of time that they will be doing the talking for you.  And just let them.  You are already in a vulnerable place emotionally, no harm in letting someone else do some of the heavy lifting once in a while. Your partner needs to be “that person – your person”  who will be there for you no matter what. If not your partner, your mom or dad or sibling.  Asking for help is a sign of strength.  You are strong – you know what you want.  You know what you need & you are asking for it.  Good for you!

4.  If you have concerns about others touching and holding and kissing your baby, I can tell you that one way to make life more difficult for you is to give people easy access to your baby.  So, please avoid having your baby in your arms without any barrier.  This and a baby in a car sear or a carrier is like an open invitation to others to come up and touch your baby.   What can you do?   If you are not  one already, become a baby wearing Mama.  This is – hands down, by far, One of the most easiest ways to ensure that you keep your baby close to you is by keeping your baby under wraps!  I mean that literally! Wear your baby, in a sling or a wrap.  This keeps newborns and younger babies close to you and with their head tucked into your chest.  Many baby wraps have a beautiful cloth that you can use to cover your baby from head to toe.  When they are in a wrap, someone needs to literally take their hands and touch your breast in order to get to the baby.
People are less likely to grab a baby from your personal space, then they are to grab a baby from your arms or lap.
Wearing your baby may also help them sleep for a longer time and people are less likely to wake up a sleeping baby.

5.  If all else fails and you simply cannot get away with having your baby being held by others, practice a few lines as they will come in handy.  Come up with a few of your own, but my all time favorite is this:
When you are ready to have your baby back, just say:  By the looks and smell of things, it sure looks like he needs a diaper change lest she leaks all over your beautiful outfit. Say this and just watch at how quickly your baby is handed back over to you.
If you are just not successful and you have a hard time getting someone to give the baby back, this is the time for your person to be the heavy and nicely take the baby back for you.

A quick review on handling holidays with your baby:

Consider opting out of an occasions or two if it is too stressful, if you are just not feeling up to it, just not fully recovered, too fatigued.  It is okay to say No.   Talk to your partner how holidays and expectations.  Talk to your partner about nursing in public and be clear how you both feel and compromise when you need to so everyone is happy.  Find that “person” whether it be your partner or a family member of friend.  You need that one person who will stand up for you, cover for you, be there for you!  Things come up, situations change and you need to know you have that one person by your side.. no matter what.  Speak to the host ahead of time and request a private space for you just in case you need it – for feeding, diaper changing, calming your baby, or just getting away from the crowd for a bit.  Lastly, my favorite tip to keep you close with your baby and avoid any unwanted germs being passed back and forth – Get comfy using a baby wrap ahead of time and wear your baby in places you feel vulnerable.  it is not about everyone getting to hold and love on your baby.  It is about everyone getting together, sharing meals, each others company, great conversation and enjoying the Holidays.  You can get that with just a little planning ahead of time.