Episode 324

Everything you need to know about Breastfeeding in Public
NIP can be a bit nerve-racking, know your rights, get tips for how to BF in public comfortably.

When I started the AAB podcast, I did so with 2 very important goals. As a lactation consultant who has worked in clinics and medical offices and hospitals and now in private practice, I have long since recognized the lack of information mothers have about breastfeeding. Not only about early breastfeeding difficulties, but also how this impacts their pp lifestyle.  When I facilitated breastfeeding mothers groups I could see what a positive impact it had on  mothers when they shared stories in the group.  Women love hearing positive stories about breastfeeding and what it means to other mothers to enjoy a breastfeeding relationship with their babies.  They love hearing stories of moms who breastfeed well into the toddler years.  When mothers are struggling with breastfeeding, nothing helps them as much as meeting other moms who are struggling too.  Hearing how they worked through their challenges is very uplifting.  I also really, really, really want to preach to those outside the choir.  I realized that yes, BF mothers need to learn about BF and we need to support each other.  Just as important, is for everyone who does not breastfeed, to learn about breastfeeding.  Our husbands, partners, parents, sisters, brothers, employers, the HS boy down the block the business owners

Some of you got turned onto the show just by searching for it.  Others tell me that their friend or mother or sister shared the show with them. For that, they are forever grateful.  My message to each and every one of my listeners:  Don’t let AAB be your best kept secret.  If you are listening to this show and know how valuable it has been, do someone a favor and share this show.

This week is going to be a continuation of last Fridays shows  Episodes # 320 and 322,  in which I talked about some of the common worries parents have about breastfeeding. In previous shows, we talked about a few common worries.

You were that breastfeeding is going to hurt.
You worry if it is safe to take medication and continue to breastfeed.
You also worry if you are going to be able to make enough milk for your baby or babies.

Last week we talked about worries breastfeeding moms have about

Bonding with your baby
Feeling tied down

With each worry, I talked about how moms feel.  I talked about how I feel.  Then I talked about what I call “work arounds.”  As in, this is your worry.  I can understand it.  I appreciate it.  However, I want you to be a happy breastfeeding mom so hear are ways to allay your worries and work around it, so they don’t have to stop you or get in the way of you fully enjoying breastfeeding and motherhood.

This week I am going to carry on with the same theme because the feedback has been great.  I know when to keep going with a winner.

The 2 worries we are going to get into today are:

NIP – I hinted a little bit about Nursing in Public last week when I talked about a common worry of moms – They are concerned that as a breastfeeding mother, you are your babies only food source and you worry about feeling tied down. You have been told they feed frequently and you worry how you are very going to get out of the house. if you are worried about NIP. I can totally understand this and talked about the worry of feeling tied down in last weeks show and addressed the subject of nursing in public very briefly.
Now let’s get into this topic deeper because the worry of NIP is so very common.  Hear what moms tell me about this subject.   Hear what some surveys have shown us.  Stick around to the end of the show and I will tell you how you can put your worries to rest with some “work arounds” I have for you.  If you have no problem nursing in public and can’t understand why other people do and just think it is crazy to even worry about this, then you probably won’t enjoy the show.  You just think that it is not a big deal and why are we making it into a big deal.   I actually agree with you as far as it just not being a big deal.  But it is easy for me to think that because I have now have many years of breastfeeding in public under my belt.  I spend my days with moms and babies who are breastfeeding – so it is totally the norm.  But, this show is not about me or others who don’t think it is a big deal. It is not helpful when we express concerns and others just pat us on the back and just poo poo or concerns. Mothers need to surround themselves with  people who care enough to listen to their concerns. This show is for all of you who have legitimate worries and need answers.

For the pregnant moms listening,  you may think you know how you are going to feel about feeding your baby in public.  And yet, you may surprise yourself as you get further along in your pregnancy.  You begin watching moms with another set of eyes than you did before.

It use to just be a mom with a stroller in the mall.  Now you are looking at what kind of stroller.  Does it have a place for your water bottle?  For your diaper bag?  Is it going to be able to fit in your car?   Will you be able to lift it yourself? Is this one that has the dual purpose of holding a car seat?  Your surprise yourself as you quicken your step and try to put yourself in a place where you can actually get a peek at the baby inside the stroller.  You never cared to peek before and now you just can’t help yourself.

Before,, just a mom with a stroller.  Now, a whole different story – You are curious about so much more.  In fact, sometimes, you feel paralyzed with all the decisions you are trying to make.  Before, baby, car seat, stroller, high chair and perhaps one of those cool swings.  This took up about 15 minutes in your brain.  Now, it is hours and hours and hours.. looking  up online, checking out the reviews and after 2 months of checking out car seats, you still can’t make up your mind.

This will all be the same with NIP. Before you were pregnant or had a baby, do you remember what you thought about moms nursing babies in public.  Before you were pregnant or had a baby, you may have never even thought of this before and had no opinion one way or the other…. until you saw a news story come across your feed about a mom who was kicked out of a plane or store or public pool or restaurant or school.  When that happened, do you remember how you felt?   Did you wonder why people even care?Did you think the mom was in the wrong or the person kicking her out of a public place was wrong?  Did you even care?

And now?  You are looking at things with another set of eyes.   Has your opinion changed about how you feel about moms nursing in public.  Perhaps you use to think this shouldn’t happen at all.  You definitely knew that you were not going to be THAT mom. Or you thought – okay for her, but not for me?  If that was your thinking then, do you now think- Well, I probably will if I have to, but only with a nursing cover.

Maybe you just accepted moms feeding their babies outside their private spaces as something being quite normal. I actually know a lot of moms like this.  They had expected to be able to feed their babies when outside their homes and now, they can’t imagine ever having thought that this would be normal or easy.

I see more moms who just figured they would breastfeeding their baby in public, with or without a cover, with or without feeling the need to be discreet.  I really like that more moms are thinking it’s a non issue.  What’s the problem then?  Why are so many moms that I see in breastfeeding groups and in lactation consults so worried about breastfeeding in public?  We are making some headway into normalizing breastfeeding and yet surveys find that lots of moms still feel anxious about nursing in public.

I recently saw a survey that that says 6 out of 10 women who breastfeed take steps to hide it in public and a third feel embarrassed or uncomfortable nursing outside the home.  I don’t really need a survey to confirm this for me. Nor will you.  Think about your everyday life and how many moms and babies you see on the outside everyday.  In the last month, how many moms have you seen nursing in public? I’m not talking about moms hanging out in breastfeeding mothers support groups.  I am talking about in your local mall, bank, park, restaurants, day care.

I studies several surveys and while the statistics differed slightly, there were many things in common.

The common reasons:

The potential for public scorn was a major reason why. They have read about situations where moms were made to feel awful, as if they were doing something wrong, something dirty or nasty, or inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. I call these people “breastfeeding bullies.”  How dare they?

They never discussed it with their partners, only to realize that their partners are uncomfortable with them nursing in public.

They have been told my family members that they shouldn’t breastfeed their baby in public.

Now that they are breastfeeding, they have become accustomed to all their tools they use for breastfeeding – pillows, stools, comfortable nursing chair.  Being that they have been home a lot, they are often braless  and have not needed to worry about being discreet. They have not really become smooth with the whole art of unsnapping the flap and lifting their shirt.

Some moms never anticipated having breastfeeding challenges and now that they are doing it themselves, latching their baby on takes a few minutes and sometimes their baby is crying before they can latch them on and this makes moms feels self conscious.  They know  their crying baby attracts attention and  are worried that everyone around them is staring or trying not to look, but are looking anyway as she tries to latch her baby on.

Interestingly enough, one survey conducted by Public Health England found that 72% of women surveyed said they were all for public breastfeeding, yet support dropped off according to location.  There were differences of opinion about where it was okay.  Restaurant ok for some and not others.  Public transportation okay for some, not others.  Parks, museums, community pools.  Same with shopping malls, in public entertainment venues and boy are there some who have strong opinions about moms unlatching their nursing bras in broad daylight and showing some skin.

What does this tell us?  What messages are the breastfeeding mothers getting?  Well, it sounds like pretty mixed messages to me.  You are welcome to breastfeeding your baby in public,,, just so long as you don’t do it here.  Or just so long as you cover up.  Or just so long as you don’t do it while I am eating my meal.

Some people cite the fact that breastfeeding is normal and it is legal to feed your baby wherever you are allowed to be.  As if this makes it all easy and comfortable for moms.  It does not.  Having the law behind is great, but it doesn’t stop the public scrutiny some moms are under when they are shamed publicly.  Or when their partner says – you can feed our baby inside our home only.

Work arounds:

Why are there even issues first of all:  Try and get into the mindset of where people are coming from.

They are uneducated about how breastfeeding works.
They are uneducated about newborns.
They have a personal belief system that disagrees with ours.
They think we should all look alike, think alike and act alike

Uneducated about BF and how it works –

Some people just have not been around breastfeeding moms.  When their whole relationship with breasts is thinking of them as sexual objects and there you go showing some breast tissue when latching your baby on….. Oh my!  Yes, we know you are just feeding your baby, but to them, it is as if you were sitting on a park bench and the women next to you just lifts up her blouse and shows some skin.  There is no baby she is feeding.  She is just showing part of her breast and you are like… what???  that is just not right.

Well, I tell you, there are so many people who are so removed from the fact that the female breast is an organ that is designed to feed our children.  It is a sexual object to them and here you are showing some breast tissue.

Going along with the mindset of where other people are coming from, Some are just uneducated. They don’t know how the breasts work – how we make milk, how our baby gets the milk, what happens if we hold the milk in too long.  Because they lack this knowledge, they don’t understand why we just can’t pump and give our baby a bottle, or why we don’t just stay home than. They don’t understand newborns and think we should just make our baby wait.

A lack of education about breastfeeding amongst the mainstream public is a big reason why NIP is frowned upon.

Think we should all be alike or I have to confirm to what you think is right:

What about those who actually do know – like other moms and dads and family members of breastfed babies.  They know the score – but they just don’t like seeing it in public.  They are uncomfortable with it all.  Their are breastfeeding advocates who still stand by their belief that NIP is an act of indecent exposure.  That is fine.  They are allowed their opinion just as we are.

So, what can you? What are the work arounds I am suggesting?

Before we get to some practical day to day tips – let’s start off with my most favorite response:  Education.  Education.  Education.

What do you find happens to you when you have a strong opinion about something, and then someone points out to you that you really don’t know much about it.  Can you think of a subject that you recently learned more about.  It surprised you how more knowledge led you to have a different opinion and perhaps be more open minded than you had been.  You educate yourself and you now have a greater understanding, which leads you to be more open minded, which leads you to less judgement, empathy and  sometimes even wanting to know more.

In the world of the breastfeeding family…

In general, people will understand you better when they know the “who, what, why, when, and where of the breastfeeding mother.  How do we make this happen?  Well, many of you know that I am on a mission to normalize breastfeeding around the world.  To do this, we can’t just keep preaching to the choir.  We need to educate others who are not actively breastfeeding, about breastfeeding.

Educating your partner and any other family or friends who will be spending significant time with you during the postpartum days.   The importance of them being knowledgable about breastfeeding cannot be understated.

Now for some Mindset tips:

My first one is:  Easy does it.

Recognize the fact that you will be at home, resting and recovering from a pregnancy and birth, which takes a lot out of us – both physically and emotionally.  Unless you or your baby have big medical issues, you will not need to have frequent appointments on the outside.  This reduces the amount of times you will need to breastfeed in public.  We tend to think we will be jumping right back into our usual lifestyle within days of giving birth.  Hopefully, this is not the case for you.

The next thing I would like to say is:  Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

Be kind to yourself.  Understand that breastfeeding is a learned art.  It takes time, patience, practice and commitment.  Knowing that breastfeeding at home will take time to feel comfortable and confident.  Once you accept this fact, this should take off some of the pressure you have about needing to breastfeed in public.

My last mindset tip:

Prepare for the Unknown:

In the event you find yourself needing to breastfeed your baby in a public place, before you really are ready to do so – don’t worry.  You will prepare for by knowing  you can do anything just once.  Things don’t have to be perfect.  You just need to feed your baby.

Take a look around the space that you are in.  Can you find a quiet space that does not face the room?  In a restaurant, find a table or booth that is away from much of the other tables and foot traffic.  Like, don’t choose a table by the bathroom or the entrance.  Sit yourself down and if you are concerned with people watching, is there a wall that you can turn to that will limit gawkers?  Can you put your diaper bag or package on the table in front of you that will provide some coverage?  If you have another person with you, put them in a position where they can shield you. Do you have a baby’s blanket you can throw over your shoulder.  If not before you latch your baby on, but once you do.

In the mall – What store is closest to you that sells clothes and has dressing rooms?  Even Victoria Secrets has a dressing room you can go into.  You just need to take an item or two off the shelf and go into the dressing room.  No announcement of what you are doing.  Just do it.

In a medical office:  Ask front desk person if there is a private place where you can breastfeed?  If not, look around and find a chair the farthest away from people.  If possible, turn your chair to the wall.  Don’t be bothered about what people might think about you turning a chair to the wall?  Who cares?  You have a baby to feed.

At a friends house:  I am amazed at how many moms tell me that they didn’t want to ask if they could go into another room to feed their baby.  Some felt embarrassed to ask.. as if they should be comfortable in front of others.  Some just felt like it was rude.   Who cares?  You have a baby to feed.

Just because you are in a place that is deemed ” breastfeeding friendly” doesn’t mean that you are comfortable nursing in public.  Dont feel pressured by peers.  Ask for what you need.

Here is my list of practical tips:

My favorite one is to tell you:  Practice, practice, practice

In the privacy of your own home, you can practice for what it will be like outside your home.  Sit on a chair, in front of a tall mirror and just breastfeed.  No pillows or stools or covers.  Look in the mirror and see what someone else sees.  You might realize right then and there, that your fears are unfounded.  Noone can see anything.  Or perhaps there is a minute or 2 of you futzing trying to get your baby to latch on.  But even still, you can’t see much.

Perhaps you can look into nursing clothes that will help make this easy and quick.  There are some really cool tops that have a large slit to bring your breast through.  Once your baby is on, the top covers your upper chest and the bottom covers your belly.  Browse through nursing clothes and see which ones you feel will provide the most coverage.  Can you mimic this at home with the clothes you have.  Try layering  you can wear a nursing tank top with a T-shirt, sweater or button down shirt,   which will provide coverage over and under your breast.  There was a lack of nursing clothes in my day, so I purchases several T shirts a size too large and I wore these a lot.  I know nursing clothes can be expensive so perhaps you can buy just one and let this be the one you wear it when you go out.

What if you do see you need more coverage.  Start with something simple and easy to take with you – a baby’s blanket.  Practice latching your baby on and bring the blanket over your shoulder. Does this work?  Is your baby okay with it?

Just practice at home with what you have.  This way, when that unexpected day comes, you are prepared.  And it will all be okay.  It will be good enough.

Baby carriers – wraps and slings

I am a huge advocate for wearing your baby from day one.  Walk around the house in the baby wrap and when your baby is ready to feed, don’t take it off.  Try and practice with it on.  You can get really good at this and when you do, it totally takes off any feelings of anxiety about nursing in public because you and your baby have already become really good at nursing with a wrap.

These practical tips are for moms who feel they want some privacy for themselves not to show too much skin.  Or perhaps your baby needs privacy as they react to all sorts of sounds and lights around them.  Maybe you actually don’t care who might see you nursing in public, but you still feel the need to cover up for friends or family members who are uncomfortable with you nursing in public.

Nursing in Public –  Please don’t let the worries of breastfeeding in public stop you from experimenting.  While I respect your right for privacy and understand if you don’t want to nurse in public, I encourage you to at least practice in your own home, in the event it should happen.  I also encourage you to just give it a try and see how it goes.  The reason I feel the need to encourage you to do so, is because once you get past the early days, it is not healthy for you to be staying home all the time.  I want you to get out, be active, hang out with friends, go to the park and the malls and for walks and the bookstore with your baby.  Mothers who don’t nurse in public tend to be mothers who don’t breastfeed as long because they do feel isolated.  They do feel alone.  They do feel tied down.  And that is not the life I wish for you as a breastfeeding mother.  There is a wonderful world out there I want you to enjoy.
I wish all everyone would be cool about breastfeeding in public because I feel that the more the public sees this, the more use to it they become.  Just think if every day you saw nursing mothers feeding their babies in 5 different places you went today.  After a month of you seeing mothers breastfeeding their babies, it slowly weaves into the fabric of your everyday life and  6 months later after having seen 20 mothers every week breastfeeding their babies, soon you just don’t think too much about it anymore.   It does not help much to preach to the choir.  WE need people who are not breastfeeding, seeing other mothers breastfeeding.. all over town

Interestingly enough, the tides have turned in that a majority of women surveyed said that were all for public breastfeeding,

Perhaps the most thought you ever put into this subject,,, if you ever even did,, was:  ugh.. I am never going to do that!  Or perhaps you thought – how sweet.. look at that mom feeding her baby…. Or perhaps you thought:  well, I probably will feed my baby in public, but I am definitely going to cover up with one of those really cool nursing covers.  And then guess what?  That sends you down the road of online again and searching and thinking and checking out reviews.  Perhaps you will actually make a solid decision on this one before your baby is born.  Who knows? My joke about this is that we tend to spend so much time thinking and worrying about things that we can easily work around or that there are actually quite easy answers to.

Nursing older babies:  This is particular for moms who are now finding their groove in nursing their little one.  You have now experienced all the worries and concerns that came before this time.  All the common concerns of:  Will I be able to breastfeed?  Will it hurt?  Will I make enough milk?  Will I nurse in public.  Your baby is now a year old and you are tiring of that same question:  Is she still nursing?

One of my personal favorite stories of myself in this situation is when I attended my first LLL meeting.  We met at Doris’s house on the Eastern End of Long Island on a very, very cold winter week day.  I took off work so I could go because they only met during the daytime.  It is crazy that I remember it was on a Tuesday, but here is why I remember it so well.  I remember thinking to myself.. I will go to work ON Monday, then have off on Tuesday and then go back to work for 4 days.  That meant a shorter work week and this always excited me.  Of course, I was very interested in going to the meeting, but you can see what my priorities were at that time in my pregnant for the first time, mom life.

I was intrigued enough watching moms breastfeeding their babies at this meeting.  While we were not in a public place, I considered this public breastfeeding because these moms were not in the privacy of their own homes.  I was quite intrigued when I saw a few of them pick up crawling babies to nurse.  I guess I thought that they were getting kind of old to breastfeed. You have to remember, only 25% of moms were breastfeed their newborns then, compared to 85% now.  Noone in my family had breastfed and none of the many babies I babysat for were breastfed.  This was a whole new world for me.  Even still, I was pleasantly intrigued up to this point, until, one of the kids who was playing with blocks with a few other kids, who I figured were about 3 years old, literally walked up to his mom, together they settled him on her lap and as she put her hand on her shirt to lift it up, he helped her and I remember thinking:  whaaat???  Noo,  she is not goint to….. Ummm, there it is is… He hopped on board all by himself, she smiled and kept talking.  Yuppers, she was breastfeeding her 3 year old.  I know that I was no appalled or disgusted as I have heard other moms say this is how they felt years ago.  I was just, I guess kind of shocked and thought to myself –  Okay for her, but that is not my plan.  I mean breastfeeding a 3 year old.. How does that even work?

Of course, I laugh now because the joke was on me.  I soon became that mom, nursing a 3 year old. But not only that, I laugh now because I was so enamoured and distracted with the thought:  How does that work?  Well, I saw how it was working, right in front of my very eyes.  It worked quite easy.  She was one of the leaders of the group and she did not skip a beat.  She just kept talking and interacting with us and life went on.  I didn’t know it then, but I was in the presence of a wonderful role model.